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26 May 2009 @ 06:05 pm
relief exists, i find it when i am cut.  
Excerpts From Her Diary by Ichiro
| Chapter One | next

Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance
&& an SK Alternate Universe (AU) fic.

"The pattering of the rain wouldn't stop."
Johan wondered how long his suffering would last. His breaths had started to get uneven; his whole body felt like it was on fire. He blinked and tried to keep his vision focused. If he could, he would've cried there and then, but the pain surging through his body would not let him. This is a bitch, Johan thought as he tried to move his fingers. They would not budge. Not one bit.

"Father," A melodic voice rang through Johan's head and he slightly smiled. It was his daughter, Rina, who had the aura of inexplicable beauty: her mid-waist lavender hair which always seemed to radiate and shine under the sun; her blue eyes that twinkled whenever she was happy; her sweet, lovable smile...but right now, only a solemn frown was evident.

"Ri...na," The 32-year-old man spluttered, his daughter immediately running to his side. Rina stared, a confused, befuddled look on her face. She gripped her father's hand tightly as Johan continued to cough and he wheezed out: "Rina..."

"Father, please...just rest, I--"

"I...can't feel my fingers, Rina...they won't move anymore...is death really that close for me?"

"No! Father, please don't say such things! You'll live, I know you'll live–!"

Johan smiled, pain and sadness smeared all over it. If he could scream it out loud, yes, he still wanted to live. He didn't want to die yet...At least not until he finds that person, no! He wouldn't allow it! But the excruciating pain reminded him that he wouldn't be able to do that task, that he would die with all the regret in his heart. If only... he told himself, If only I hadn't been shot that day, then I would probably still live longer...

He tried to stabilize his breathing, closing his eyes as he did so. He opened them again, a clear solution embedded in his mind. If he could relay it properly, then everything would be fine, or so he hoped. With a shaky voice, he told Rina, "My child, I have something to tell you." He stopped for a good ten seconds and the silence was enough to notify him that the girl was, indeed, giving him her full attention. Johan smiled ruefully. "Listen well. I..." His sentence was stopped short, though, when he suddenly arched his back, digging his head further into the pillow, and as he forced out a loud cough, his mouth instantaneously produced blood.


It was bad enough that he couldn't move a limb, now he was getting these annoying splutters? Regarding the matter with a disdainful face, he blandly told himself: Death is fucking playing with me. He needed to tell Rina, and fast. Who would know when he'd stop breathing altogether?

"...I'm fine," Johan lied through his gritted teeth, and Rina seemed to notice this because she tightened her hold on his hand. Even though she was only the mere age of nine, Johan was very much alert on how sharp the girl's mind and tongue were. He bit back a grin and then went straight to business. "Rina, this is important. You see...before I...die," He spat the word almost harshly, causing the girl to get sidetracked. Never had she heard him raise his voice nor sound so...angry in her whole life. Rina then shut out those thoughts as she narrowed her eyes, playing the words 'before I die' repeatedly in her mind. Hadn't she already pointed out that he wouldn't die? That she wouldn't let him die.

Rina succumbed to her own thoughts and was immediately snapped out of it when Johan muttered, "...find him for me, Rina..."

She blinked. What? Find who? She looked at him, entirely void of any emotion, and she plainly said, "What?" At that very moment, Rina was flabbergasted to know that even her own intelligence refused to work for her, and thus she failed to comprehend what had been said. Truth be told, her intelligence at the moment disgusted her.

"For me, dear Rina...find...him..." Johan started to lose control of his breath, his sleepiness, his own life. He asked himself why he hadn't died the day he was shot. Me and my fucking will.

"I don't understand! I can't understand a thing you're saying, Father! Who are you talking about? Who's he? Why should I find him?"

"Please...I beg of you!" His hard tone dramatically turned into a pleading one. As much as he loved Rina, he could not waste anymore time! Not now that he had only a few breaths to live...

Silence enveloped the room. Rina swore her heart skipped a beat when she failed to hear any breathing. She had then concluded that her worst fear came to slap her directly on the face. But she didn't lose any hope yet as Johan's hand was still a tad warm.


"McDowell...?!" Rina urged him to say more. She knew she was panicking; her dear father was slowly being taken away from her! She couldn't let this happen––

"Find...Mc...Dowell...family––" The last sigh, the last smile, the last look which said, 'I love you so much.'

This time around, not only did her worst fear come to greet her, but also Johan, whose death came to laugh at him.


Author's Notes: Erm. How was it? Tell me your opinion through a comment/review.

This one is part of my unnamed angst/drama/romance SK AU fic. This is, in actuality, the prologue, of some sort. You can say this is 'Johan's story,' or something like that. I-I THINK I KILLED THE CHARACTERS. NOT JUST PHYSICALLY, BUT ALSO THEIR PERSONALITY OH SHIT.

the earth is: round table
emotional vault: sicksick
vocaloid: 'Cut' by Plumb
ileikeggz2ileikeggz2 on May 27th, 2009 06:40 am (UTC)
The ending was....breathtaking. 8D

Well, I can confidently say that you definitely know how to start and end a story/chapter, and that's always a good weapon to have in your arsenal.

I didn't have much of a problem with formatting, and that's great, too. ;)

Hm. I won't sugarcoat this review, though.

So, onto some issues.

The description was great, but simply not enough. It was like...'Okay, I'm reading it. Okay, Johan's in pain.' but I didn't really FEEL that Johan was in pain. Use chilling words and perhaps use a darker tone when writing a scene like this. Make the reader be in as much excruciating pain as your character is in.

For Rina, she seemed kind of NR for someone whose father is dying right in front of her. I was expecting someone more desperate, more worried, less disgusted.

I didn't get to see much of characterization here since, well, wouldn't everyone be OOC because someone's dying? XD So I can't really say anything as early as now.

On grammar, you're doing fine, but you occasionally run into that pesky parallelism problem or that semi-colon you simply can't decide where to place.

Overall rating: 3.5 out of 5

Don't get discouraged, though. :) Keep on writing, learn from your mistakes and get better. There's only room for improvement in something like this.
Ichiro Yamadanappo_knight on May 27th, 2009 06:59 am (UTC)
Guh. Epic review.

Anyway, I'm not mad or discouraged or anything. Frankly, I didn't feel anything while reading the character's pain. I'm such a dick. D:

I-I'll try to put more character or something...actually, I got the impression that Rina/Annabelle's the type of person who would try to look as if she doesn't give a shit. But secretly, she feels really enraged. And this rage, I dare say, we might see it once it's the 10-year skip. 8D

Whee. And guess what, I still don't know what to do with Johan and his fugly death.
ileikeggz2ileikeggz2 on May 27th, 2009 07:32 am (UTC)
And this rage, I dare say, we might see it once it's the 10-year skip

A time skip?! What is this, Naruto?! XD
Ichiro Yamadanappo_knight on May 27th, 2009 07:35 am (UTC)

The actual time line is actually 10 years after this.
Denny Starbucksthequacker on May 27th, 2009 12:26 pm (UTC)
I read Lexee's review~

and she's write about the whole description thing. I kind of lost it somewhere in between where it got too tiring to read. But that's about all I have to say. XD I can't make epically long reviews.

My eye-sight isn't very good...and I'm not wearing my glasses~ so don't expect much on grammar for me D: although it sounded okay so... yeah. XD

That said...I still feel inclined to read a follow up to this.

OH and another thing. >.< You should try and write the characters so that people who don't know who they are...can tell whether they've been consistent through out the whole piece.

Uhrr... that's about it~
Denny Starbucksthequacker on May 27th, 2009 12:27 pm (UTC)



(Deleted comment)
ileikeggz2ileikeggz2 on June 12th, 2009 06:47 am (UTC)
She's saying that you shouldn't depend on the characters' names, but on how you describe them.

Like in a book my creative writing teacher read once...The book was called 'Juan'. All the characters were named 'Juan' but they each had different personalities and looks so readers could tell the difference between each character.

In short, characterize more and don't use names. xD